A Need to Read

The truth is I have this need to read books. I'm floundering pretty hard here with looking for a job, and filling my days in ways that don't take money and also make me feel like I'm living a meaningful life and being productive. One of those ways would be reading. The problem is that reading is something I do when I'm content. When life is going well I read voraciously. New book every other day at work or school. Getting stuff done while also having time to devour new ideas, new worlds, new characters or simply revisiting old ones.

But instead of reading the hundreds of books I own, tens of which I've never read, or tracking down any number of others on my "to read" list, I find myself in a Netflix spiral. I'm watching The X-files and playing Candy Crush or Sudoku on my phone. Never devoting my full attention to either, perhaps with a crappy magazine open as well. Anything to avoid thinking about what I should really be doing. The mattress pad is falling off my bed (it's a queen sized pad living on a twin sized bed so it slides off periodically) but do I fix it? No. My hair is a mess from the last time I washed it but do I fix it? No. There's infinite ways to spend my time that would be more productive than what I'm doing. But it's so hard to do anything.

It sounds dire, I know. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm not at risk.

It's unpleasant. It's demoralizing. It's frustrating. It's not the end of my world. I just know that the longer I remain un-useful, un-contributory, un-living, the worse this is going to press on me. Already I'm feeling aches and pains that remind me of how motionless I am. My sciatica or psuedo-sciatica (I don't really care, both suck) is here. It makes it hard to sit, hard to stand, hard to recline, hard to move. I want to stretch, doesn't help. I want to sleep, doesn't help.

"Give me an occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad."

Truer words were never spoken.

But back to my original point. I feel like maybe if I can pull myself into reading something I can draw myself out of this funk. Do I read because I'm happy? Or am I happy because I read? I've got book club in a week and a half and I haven't finished the book from last month. I did read Ella Enchanted last month. That's something.

I don't know if I should even publish this.

While I have every reason to be feeling this way with where I am in my life, I'm also exploring the possibility that my thyroid may be out of whack and could be a major contributing factor. It feels weird to say that I hope I have hypothyroidism. But it would explain so much of my life. I don't know which to hope for. Normal? Low? Preferably not Hashimoto's, that much I know.

What it feels like to have anxiety

Basically, having anxiety is like you go to work like normal and you know your job really well and some days it goes smoothly and other times things are a little weird, like you can't find your stapler and you really need to staple some stuff. That's normal anxiety that everyone has sometimes. But then there are days when you walk into your office and instead of your desk and computer and phone all being where you left them you've somehow walked into an operating room. You're not a flipping surgeon so you turn around to leave and the door is gone. Everyone else is there acting like this is no big deal, this is just life and apparently it's normal. Maybe you even have a vague feeling like it should be normal but really you are just frustrated that people are putting you in scrubs and an apron and handing you a scalpel as if you are a person that should ever be given a scalpel for any reason whatsoever because you can't even use an exacto knife to cut paper properly let alone use a scalpel to cut people. And everyone is very insistent that you need to operate on this person now. No one else understands why you are getting so upset because this isn't a big deal. What you really want to do is sit down and cry, but you've also somehow convinced yourself that you are in fact a surgeon and this person needs your help and you feel guilty for not wanting to operate. Everyone else knows you are a surgeon and this is normal. On a "good" bad day you feel sick or angry/annoyed but you operate and maybe it's fine and you finally get out of the operating room but you're still irritable for the rest of the day. Or week. On a really bad day you look down at the person you are supposed to operate on and it's you.

Why people are difficult for me

Something I've thought a lot about lately is why people and relationships/friendships/working relationships are so frustrating to me. And the conclusion I've come to is that I don't know what I think or how I feel about people or stuff probably about 95% of the time. Especially new people.

Basically if I don't outright hate you then there's probably going to be a period of time in which I'm trying to sort out exactly which box(es) in my brain you belong in. For this reason I think other people have a hard time figuring out me as well. People like to know where they stand and I'm sure it's difficult when I'm cycling through warmth and indifference (hopefully I'm never outright cold unless I hate you and that's probably not going to change).

I'm very much a typical introvert in that I loathe small talk so I dread situations where that's the expectation. Like on break at work when I coworker tells me, "I don't bite" and all I want to say is "I know, but I do." Maybe I don't like people at all today. Maybe I'm hating that everyone took their break at the same time as me and I wish I had gone to the other breakroom because I really wanted to be alone. Maybe I'm having some really complex feelings and thoughts about you in particular and being in close proximity is very much not helping me decide what it means. Maybe I'm relieved I don't work with you on a regular basis anymore because my stress levels have dropped significantly since you switched shifts.  Maybe I think you're too cool to be my friend. Maybe I forgot your name *again* and I'm super crazy embarrassed that you've never forgotten mine and you can remember the name of my cat and where I went to school and how long I lived in Oregon.

Attacks on Supernatural Fans

This summer in Seattle I sat on a bus next to a girl that told me Misha Collins saved her life. At the time I rolled my eyes at the apparent hyperbole. But in light of the hateful attacks directed towards depressed members of the Supernatural Fandom, and the responses from Misha Collins and Mark Sheppard, I see now how true it could have been. The Supernatural Fandom is not just about being fans of a goofy, loveable, and downright creepy at times fantasy television show; it's about reaching out and finding connection, not only with other fans, but with the characters in the show, and the actors as real people who are striving to do good. Hats off to you, gentlemen. You make the world a better place. I'm proud to be in your fandom.

To the victims of the recent vicious and evil attacks I say this: You are better than your attackers by an infinite amount. You are a far more worthwhile individual than anyone that could spew such poison. You have more friends than you know,  and they vastly outnumber your enemies. Demons come in many forms: depression, anxiety, physical illness, and in this case some cowardly jerk hiding behind his anonymity.  We've been to heaven, hell, and purgatory together. We've been to the conventions, or at least memorized the YouTube videos of the panels.  Family is more than blood. We have a .gif for that.

Confessions of an LDS Biology Student

I spent years of trying to figure out what I wanted to do as far as school goes. I started as a Chemical Engineering major because in High School Chemistry was fun and my dad is an engineer and it just sounded cool. But when I got into college Chemistry was NOT fun. I scraped a C in my first and only Chemical Engineering class and decided I didn't want to do that at all. So I switched to Audiology and Speech Language Pathology. The intro class was great and I enjoyed it but it still wasn't quite right and in conjunction with health problems I decided I was done with school for a while and went home.  If you look at my grades from that time you can see a pretty direct correlation between my grades and which classes I enjoyed or hated, which is actually pretty terrifying to think that I would let myself suck something up so badly just because I didn't enjoy the class.

When I came home I took a short term certification course to become a Pharmacy Technician, which was actually pretty pointless really, except to show me that I could do well in classes even if I really didn't like them. I was a pharmacy tech for 3 years before the work environment became way too stressful for the return. There is nowhere to go as a pharmacy technician. That’s just all you are, all you have the credentials to be. Being a trainer is the highest up you can go unless you want to go back to school for 7 years and become a pharmacist. I decided early on I wouldn't ever want to be a pharmacist. So few people I worked with actually enjoyed their job. It entails working a retail job with extra laws and ridiculous expectations and having everyone mad at you because those expectations just simply cannot be met with the staff they allow you to have. Long hours with no appreciation.  I still have nightmares about this job.

So I went back to school. I had been talking to my sister about what I should do as far as school goes, and she said I should “feed the penguins.” It’s strange to think that such an idea would spur me on to investigating what that would take and I headed off towards a wildlife biology degree. That goal has since changed slightly, but I've realized that there is little in the field of biology that I would hate doing, and much that I would enjoy. So here I am, a biology major, a chemistry minor, a possible genetics option.

Which brings me to the title of this post. Being a Christian and a Biology major places me in an awkward position which if it is understood it is not widely discussed. As my cousin put it, “it is a hard lot in life.” It seems like everyone I come in contact with is one of two extremes: Evolutionist or Creationist. Evolutionists seem to think that because my passion is science and biology that I must agree with them on everyone count (else they think that they must convert me to their ideas because I ‘m a Christian) and Creationists seem to think that because I’m a Christian that I must share their beliefs. So I’m here to set the record straight. I see no reason why my religious beliefs and my scientific beliefs have to contradict. They are not even two separate entities to me, they are 2 sides of the same coin, or parts of the same big picture which still has many sections left to be painted. Everything I learn strengthens rather that weakens my testimony of a loving God who created this beautiful universe full of diversity and knowledge to be gleaned. Old school scientists understood this. They wanted to pull of the mask of the universe to stare at the face of God. But nowadays it seems like people want to pull of the mask of the universe to prove there is nothing behind it.

I believe that God created the Earth, and the heavens and the galaxies. But created is a confusing word when we talk about God. It seems to call to mind the idea of him snapping his fingers and worlds appearing. But that’s not how I see it. An artist creates beautiful works of art. A musician creates music. My mom and I create quilts. Does an artist snap his fingers and a sculpture or a fresco appears? Do musicians snap their fingers and cause music to be heard? Do I snap my fingers and suddenly a quilt is done? Of course not. There would be no point to this, no accomplishment if that were how it was done. Creation refers to organization. An artist organizes his materials until it is the form he desires. A musician organizes their movements and/or breath to create sound which has been organized by a composer to be music. I organize my fabric pieces into a design to make a quilt. The difference here is that as humans we sometimes make mistakes. Because we don’t always know how to do everything perfectly. We are still learning and growing. God knows how to do everything perfectly. I don’t believe that God did this marvelous thing in seven 24 hour days as we know them. The scriptures use symbols and allusions to convey their meaning. Christ was well known for teaching with parables and symbols. Why would the scriptures be different?

OK, so this next part will probably get me some flak from people. God is omnipotent or all powerful. Does that mean he can do anything we can think of? Or does it mean he can do anything that is possible? Our sense of possible vs impossible could be very different from one another and from God’s, because as I said before God knows how to do things perfectly. He has a perfect knowledge of things. I believe that God once went through a mortal experience such as the one we are currently experiencing. I believe that many of the natural laws have been around since before then. I believe that God currently operates within natural laws. This may seem ridiculous. But remember, we don’t currently have a perfect understanding of how the natural laws actually work. God does. It stands to reason that he would be able to do things we cannot currently fathom because our understanding of the world is not a perfect one. Things in science change all the time. We must admit we don’t know everything because new developments happen every day. So I am left with this. Either God operates within the natural laws because they have been around longer than him, OR God created the natural laws and therefore operates within them. I am inclined to belief the former, but really I must admit that as far as this goes I do not KNOW. And that’s OK, because it really doesn't change anything whether one is true vs the other.

As far as evolution is concerned I have to say this: open your eyes people, evolution is obviously a real thing. There is so much evidence of this. Evolution is a dynamic process which I believe was put in place by God to allow everything on this planet to grow and change and become more suitable for life. Because isn't that the whole flipping point of being here anyway? To grow and change personally? To become something better that we were before? Why would this be different on a global scale? As far as human evolution goes I only have to say: I do not know HOW God ORGANIZED man to be in his image. And if the whole creation process took thousands to millions or billions of years who is to say that he didn't do it through evolution? Like I said, I expect flak for this. That’s cool. I don’t know how God did it. But the idea of not learning about the possibilities astounds me. We are supposed to be trying to be more like God, right? So if God is all-knowing then we need to learn about EVERYTHING. Because becoming all-knowing is part of become like God.

In closing I would like to say this: When we know everything there is to know about science and everything there is to know about God I fully believe that there will be NO contradiction between the two. I want to rip off the mask of the universe and stare at the face of God because I KNOW that he is there.

All the Hair Angst in the World . . .

I've been thinking about my hair lately. A lot. Because hair sucks. And the real problem isn't even that hair sucks it's that changing your haircut/style sucks. Because you aren't just making a decision that will affect your life right now, you have to live with what you do to it. Unless you are rich and can afford to have extensions put in if you chop all your hair off and you don't like it? Sucks for you. And you decide to grow it out for whatever reason you have to live with it in all it's awkward stages.

I love Facebook. But I hate it. Sometimes it's really useful and awesome and you can share exciting news with everyone at once and you can keep in touch with people that you might otherwise never talk to, but other times you want people's opinions and they don't take you seriously. Like today. When I wanted hair ideas. My uncle suggested a mohawk. Typical of him really. Actually that would probably be fairly typical of any of my uncles. They are just cool like that. Another friend gave me a one word suggestion, "bald." Really? My problem with these suggestions are such: 1) Am I that suggestible? Does it just take a one word suggestion of some outlandish idea for me to even consider? No reasoning? No "and here's why" ? Not that I have never considered the bald look, or even the mohawk. But I've ruled them out long ago because a mohawk is more work than I spend on my hair now, and I have a funny shaped head so if I were bald it would probably be all lumpy or something. And some people CAN pull off the bald look. Even some women. But it's not usually a look of choice. I'll wait until I have cancer for that one, thank you very much. 2) Sometimes, however small a percentage of the time, I want to be taken seriously. Considering how much I think about my hair, this is one of those times.

My biggest problem is that I think I should just be able to roll out of bed, throw on some clothes and just look fan-freakin'-tastic. I want hair that will let me do that. But I also want something ridiculously fun. The problem is that low maintenance haircuts tend to start getting boring after a while. At least, the ones I've had have.

I'm tired of hair angst. It just never goes away. Either it's there to tell me I need a change, or it's there to tell me I need a trim, or it's there to tell me that no matter what I do to my hair it's always gonna be blah (which isn't true, because I've had many a blah free hair day, but hair angst just gets you down).

I'd actually like to try a fauxhawk-able look, but I wonder if I can pull it off. Will it be too short? Will it draw attention to or away from my overweight figure? (Don't lie to me, I know it's there). Will Darrel sequester me to the closet to live the next year in shame while it grows out? (This is unlikely, he might pout though).

Right now I catch myself thinking about the scissors in the bathroom drawer. My bangs are too long and are irritating my eyes. I decided that if I keep my hair long my bangs need to grown out because they are all weird (from me trimming them myself and trimming more of my hair than are supposed to be bangs), but I can't stand the hair in my eyes on top of my allergies. It's just too much! But I know either I'll get the scissors and go to town and then realize what I've done, or Darrel will catch me in the act and I'll be in trouble (like a child). I've also thought about the hair clippers and how easy it would be to just make all the hair go away. See, I have thought about bald . . .

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for . . .

Ok, so i know I've mentioned that at some point there was going to be this totally epic post about the bed I made, but first I have to give credit where credit is due. I owe thanks for the plan idea to ana-white.com. I owe a ton of thanks to my dad for letting me use his tools and for his general knowledge and help with the actual construction. And I owe a ton of thanks to my mom who did the majority of the painting.

Ok, so basically for the first 6 or so months of our marriage Darrel and i slept on a mattress and boxspring on the floor. Initially i figured I would shell out the $25-$50 for a metal bedframe and just call it good. But then I got inspired by Ana White and her building designs and figured for $150 plus some good old-fashioned elbow grease I could make a headboard/footboard and it would look amazing and last.

Here's a picture documentary of the process:

My beautiful lumber. This was obviously the most expensive part of the project-around $120

After the majority of the cuts have been made.

The main part of the footboard assembled.

The main part of the headboard assembled.

Headboard and footboard assembled!

And painted!

Here's the bed during the practice assembly. The bed had to be completely assembled and then taken apart to be transported from my parents house to our apartment.

And last but not least: Completed Farmhouse Bed!

So yeah, pretty crazy awesome. I figure if I'd actually had the time and energy to be working on this project without distraction it could have easily been completed within 3 days (aside from the painting). As it was it took a 2-3 months because I could only work on it when I wasn't working. Also, since I'm just learning at this, I only worked when my dad was close at hand to answer questions or to show me how to do something. I would say that after doing this project I'm a lot more comfortable using power tools.

If I can do it you can do it! Here's to not spending a fortune on having a well-furnished house! Buying a bed like this would have easily cost at least 10 times more than what I spent on it.